Keith Houchen!

On the way back to school from the chip shop, Lilley decided to test our limited knowledge of sex. We were 12 years-old. Sex was what James Bond did and something they talked about, but never did, on EastEnders. It was a subject as far from my understanding as trigonometry.

Lilley was obsessed with sex. He claimed he'd had sex with a much older woman (I say much because an older woman to us could have been a 16 year-old). There were plenty of holes in his story which we gleefully exposed during a maths lesson. However, Lilley's burgeoning sex drive was developing quickly; I once had to wait for him while he had a wank in his bathroom during lunch. Eventually I left him to it and went back to school. "I'm going now..." I said. "Okay" came the groan. He was always holding his cock or getting it out to show people. On one occasion during a PE lesson he presented his penis to us all, Paul Dear spotted it and shouted "Sir! Lilley's got his tail out!" "Put it away Stuart" came the tired response from Mr Dean.

Lilley chucked his question into the ring. If Perry didn't answer Lilley would pick on me like a sadistic French teacher, his hope would be that I wouldn't know or I’d guess horribly, he could then humiliate me. Knowledge is power and all that.

"Who knows what premature ejaculation is?" Said Lilley. We both went quiet. Did either of us know? I knew what premature meant and 'eject' sounded like 'ejact' so I had some sort of answer prepared.

"It's when you cum... said Perry, "Early."

Lilley laughed, "Very good."

"Now... Neil"

Oh fuck. What was he going to ask me? What a sixty-niner was? I'd heard of the term but didn't have a clue about its terminology. I'd be known as the sixty-niner kid or something unimaginative like that. Here it came. He was sure he was going to catch me out…

"Who scored the second equaliser in the 1987 Cup final?"

Never had I, or will I ever again, shout 'Keith Houchen!' with such delight.